HEALING

For 10 years, I have held in the trauma that I endured as a teenager, and the build up to the suicide of my step-brother.

In working through my own trauma through sharing it with the world, I hope to connect people who have been through similar. I hope to inspire them to speak up about what happened to them, or help them work through it if they haven't done so yet.

I welcome you on my journey in revisiting the details I have shoved down for so long, and inspire you to keep Johnny's memory alive.

Ashley

Our Stories

I recommend going to Menu > Blog and starting on Part I for the full story. Johnny's Parts are The Namesake & The Cataclysm.

The Light

After Johnny died, it was a whirlwind of visitors, donations, tributes, memorials, letters in the mail, messages on Facebook. I was so...

Ashley

The Memorial

Part VII Warning: This part contains subjects that may be upsetting to some readers, such as mention of suicide, mental illness, feelings...

Ashley

The Cataclysm

Part VI Warning: This part contains details that may be triggering to some readers. This part contains suicide, verbal abuse, drug and...

Ashley

Disclaimer

In writing this piece, I want to make it clear: I do not have any malicious intent in writing this, or wish any harm upon those mentioned. I will be using first initials only in this piece except for my step-brother and brother. Johnny's name is something I refuse to censor or shorten. My goal is to keep his memory alive even after I'm gone one day.

This reflection is for myself, my healing, moving forward. And most of all, finally speaking about what happened to us in that house for all those years and lifting the veil from the eyes of those who knew us as kids.

If you know me on a personal level, I’ll answer a few questions…

No, no one knew when it was happening except those who were living in the house and the people that my abuser considered friends, which were very few. They ignored, tried to justify, or even encouraged his behavior.

No, my father did not know what went on, and we were encouraged to not tell him.

No, this is not for pity or sympathy.

This trauma has weighed heavily on me for well over 15 years, and it has eaten away at me. I have been diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses due to living in this abuse for as many years as I did. This includes C-PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, dissociation & derealization episodes. The combination of these issues has made surviving on a daily basis a tiring effort. It has caused strain on my relationships, my hobbies, my life.

This is from my perspective and my perspective only, with a few insights that I would like to include for my brother who will never be able to.

Trigger Warnings:

Child Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Harassment
Manipulation
Infidelity
Open Porn Usage
Drug & Alcohol Use
Beastiality (...yeah)
Self Harm
Suicide (Attempt and Successful)