The Cataclysm

Part VI

Warning:

This part contains details that may be triggering to some readers. This part contains suicide, verbal abuse, drug and alcohol use, porn, beastiality, and more. Please proceed with caution.

Fore-note

Nothing will bring Johnny back. Me going through all of this and telling his story won't bring him back. But, it will put the truth of who and what is responsible into the universe. Johnny's death might have been inevitable -- maybe it was always written in his cards to leave this earth young. But all of the factors we have visited and the ones you will read now snuffed out any chance that he had. And that is unforgivable.

This section goes into detail about Johnny's death, and how he commit suicide, so please be aware of that before beginning.

Johnny's Side, II

Johnny returned to Connecticut just a week after the phone call.

In that week of waiting, we had found out a few things that had transpired while he was in Florida for that year. Johnny had continued to travel down a bad path. He was getting into trouble in and out of school. He was now missing one of his front teeth after trying to stiff a dealer on payment while buying weed. Life down there had not gotten any easier for him. And that broke my heart.

When Johnny came back, it was like time never passed. Hugs and laughter ensued. Constantly joking with me that he didn't think I was pregnant because I didn't have a belly. Asking if it was just a ploy to get him back to Connecticut. He had a new found confidence and attitude about him.

He was growing into a man -- he wasn't timid in the slightest anymore. He was bold, loud, unapologetic. He went back to school at Lyman as a junior, and fell right back into the swing of things. Old friends he had stayed in touch with before he had gone to Norwich Tech accepted him back with open arms.

The honeymoon phase ensued -- J was so happy he was back. The energy in the house was positive for once. It felt nice. Johnny and C got to know each other and with C staying with us, and them being the same age, they started to bond. They would go outside to have a cigarette together and talk. Things felt like they were on the right track.

Johnny didn't have a Connecticut license or a job to get a car, so he asked J if he could buy a scooter to get around. After some back and forth, and begging, they got him a scooter. Johnny was over the MOON.

The honeymoon phase was short lived. And everything changed.

J fell back into his same old ways. Johnny and J started going at each other again, yelling, getting in each others faces. Side comments when they passed each other.

One day, Johnny came barreling down the stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind him. He was out of breath, with a look of shock and amusement on his face. "Ashley, I just walked in on my Dad watching cartoon porn."

I stared at Johnny like he had 6 heads.

"Cartoon porn?"

"YEAH!" He said, now laughing, "PORN. PEOPLE FUCKIN'. BUT LIKE, CARTOON."

We both had a long laugh and lots of "what the fucks".

Johnny and I frequently started making light of his fathers behavior behind his back. How red his face got when he was pissed, how he stuttered, how he couldn't spell, how we caught him MORE THAN ONCE watching porn in his and my Mom's room with the sound on to the point that Johnny could hear it across the hall. He eventually gained some awareness and shut the door.

We later found out after my Mom snooped on their computer that cartoon porn was not the only thing he had been viewing. There was browser history of beastiality with farm animals. J was the only one who used that computer other than my mother soooo... yeah. J had a fascination for cartoon boobs and goats, I guess. And sadly I am telling nothing but the truth. I genuinely wish I was lying about that.

When I started showing a bump, Johnny would talk in a high pitched voice and rub my belly in small circles. He always talked to my belly, telling his unborn nephew how much he would love Uncle Johnny. That he HAD to be the favorite.

Around mid-June, C and I moved out to his family's farm so he could work over the summer. It was great. C and I faced our own struggles while away from the house, but we made it work. Until circumstances arose in August that we could no longer live in the house we were living in, and had no other reasonable choice.

All of my stuff was still at the house. Johnny and Austin and my Mom were still there. My Dad and his girlfriend and my friends were closer to there. I needed to go back. Even if it meant dealing with J's wrath, I loved them. And I wanted to be with them when I had my baby boy.

After my Mom doing lots of begging to J, he allowed me to move back in with C with the knowledge that I had to be out of the house by the time I gave birth. J refused to "have a screaming fucking baby in his house".

While I was at the farm for the summer, Johnny was still struggling with his mental health and suicidal ideation. And Johnny was open about it. He told them that he needed help, medication, something.

My Mom got in contact with UCFS, an organization that helps families with any struggles they may be having. UCFS quickly got Johnny set up with a counselor who would come to our house every week to speak to him. I remember meeting him, having an introductory meeting with everyone in the house so he got the whole picture.

They prescribed Johnny a medication for his depression and anxiety. He started taking it, and it was working for him. He was calmer, and he was enjoying it.

But J wasn't enjoying it.

J claimed that the medication made him a "fucking zombie". That it wasn't doing him any good. Johnny was adamant on telling his father that it was, that he was doing better, he didn't care if it made him less animated, he felt better. This went on for a few weeks, the back and forth.

J didn't care. Johnny's medication was taken from him, locked away in my Mom & J's safe.

Just like that, his lifeline was ripped away from him and he was falling again.

Johnny quickly began spiraling again. He was always leaving the house on his scooter, not really telling anyone where or when he was going. He was always high, and had began drinking more (He was sneaking it before, it got to the point where he no longer cared if my Mom and J knew). He no longer cared when his Dad yelled at him. He'd walk right past him and ignore J's verbal lashing. He was numb to it all.

He continued therapy. J told Johnny's therapist that the medication was making him a zombie and he wasn't going to be taking it. Johnny's therapist said they could look at some other medications he could take, but to continue taking the medication he was on. Johnny told his therapist J had taken it, and he hadn't been able to. Johnny's therapist was adamant to J to continue to give him his medication. J said he would.

He didn't.

Johnny continued down his path of self destruction. He began to grow distant, cold, and downright mean to me. We started arguing more, and the bond we had shared for the last 5 years felt like it was dissolving right in front of my eyes.

I distanced myself. I didn't recognize that his behavior was indicative of what was to come. I just knew that he was turning into someone that I didn't know anymore. And it hurt.

Late one night in August, my Mom got a call.

Johnny had gotten drunk on the town green and needed to be picked up.

My Mom told J who was immediately seething. She drove the 5 minutes, picked him up, and brought him home.

Within seconds of him entering the house, J was bellowing, "Johnny, get the fuck in here".

Johnny went giggling into the living room, entertained by his Dad's anger.

C and I stood in my room, cracking my bedroom door to hear what was happening.

The argument ensued between J and Johnny. A lot of it was J name calling Johnny "fucking idiot", "useless", "fucking asshole".

Until Johnny opened up the vault he had been keeping closed.

"YOU TOOK THE AWAY THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL NORMAL! I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF EVERY DAY!"

That's when J said the words that will forever be burned in my brain.

"If you want to kill yourself so bad, then stop talking about it and fucking do it."

It felt like someone had syphoned the air right out of my lungs. Tears immediately stung my eyes. I felt sick. My heart hurt so fucking bad for him, and I couldn't do anything without risking putting me, my boyfriend, and unborn baby out on the street. His own father telling him to end his life.

"J!" I heard my Mom say.

Johnny mumbled something and walked into the bathroom, was there for 5 minutes or so, then walked up to his room.

Things continued as they had been going. Johnny was never home, when he did come home he reeked of weed and alcohol.

Arguments were almost daily, J calling him a "piece of shit, useless, good for nothing", etc..

Our relationship at this point was practically non-existent. He had shut me out of his life completely.

The last week in August came, right before his senior year. He got his senior photos taken, and prepared for the school year.

Johnny began his Senior year at Lyman Memorial, and was set to graduate with the Class of 2015.

Saturday, September 13th, 2014

I could've never imagined the significance this day would have in my life.

It was cooler outside. The leaves had began to change. The first signs of fall were upon us.

We had all been invited to my Mom's cousin's house for a Family Reunion. They always joked that the only reason they ever got together was for funerals and wakes, and they wanted to get together on good terms for once.

I was excited to go, see my extended family. My Mama and Aunties were going to be there too, and I never turned down an excuse to see them. C and I got ready, and headed out to the kitchen to wait for my Mom and J.

J and Johnny were in a tense conversation. J was pressing Johnny to come with us, but he wanted to stay home, he had plans with a friend that afternoon. The conversation ended with a scoff and "Whatever, Johnny". But he still walked outside with us.

Johnny gave me a hug from behind and said, "I love youuuu".

"I love you too, I guess" I said, nudging him in the ribs. He had been a pain in my ass all morning -- hogging the bathroom, purposely standing in my way when I was trying to do things. But even though we got on each others nerves, and our relationship wasn't the same, I still loved him.

We got in the car and started pulling down the driveway. I looked out my window and saw Johnny waving. I flipped him off with a smile, and he returned the gesture with a smile just as big.

And that was the last time I saw his beautiful face.

We arrived at my Mom's cousin's house, which was about 40 minutes away from ours. I was greeted by lots of hugs and kisses, belly rubs from family that hadn't seen me in years. It felt good.

One thing about my family is it was an open door and open arm policy. Everyone loved each other -- they could go years without seeing each other and pick back up like it was nothing. We spent the first hour eating way too much food, laughing, catching up. We were in a huge enclosed deck space. I was sitting next to C, with my Mom and J across from me, my Mama and Auntie sitting next to C, my other Aunt and Uncle sitting on my right.

The wind picked up and it started to rain. My Mom took out her phone and checked the weather to see how long the storm was supposed to last.

J then said, "I need to call Johnny and have him put the tarp on the roof of the garage."

J had started removing the shingles off the garage roof due to there being some rotten boards that needed to be replaced. Every time rain was expected, J would have Johnny and C go out at put the tarp up on the garage roof to prevent water from getting in.

J took out his phone and called the house phone.

Johnny answered.

J instructed Johnny to put the tarp on the roof because it was going to start raining.

Johnny replied that he would in a few minutes, he was just finishing up his show he was watching.

10 minutes pass, and J called Johnny again to see if he had done it.

Johnny answered.

J asked if Johnny had put the tarp up yet.

Johnny told J that it started pouring, and he didn't want to get soaked or slip off the roof.

J yelled at him, telling him to do it anyway.

Johnny replied that he would.

10 more minutes pass and J calls again.

J asks if he did it yet.

Johnny replies that he hadn't.

J starts to raise his voice and tell him to, "Go put the fucking tarp on the roof NOW"

Johnny replies with "Nah, I'm good."

J loses it. Absolutely fucking loses it.

"You're fucking useless you know that? I'll come home my fucking self and do it. I'm never gonna ask you to do a fucking thing again. Find a new place to live because you're not fucking living with me anymore. Get the fuck out of my house you little prick."

J hangs up the phone and stands and tells us that he has to go home and put the tarp up. C offers to go with him to help him. My Aunt and Uncle offer to drive us home so J and C didn't have to go 40 minutes home and then 40 minutes back again to pick us up. The two of them leave.

The following is from the perspective of C, and what he told my Mom and I when we got back to the house.

J and C drove the 40 minutes home. J was absolutely livid by the time they pulled into the driveway.

J and C put the tarp up on the roof. After getting wet, and struggling, he was even more pissed off. He went to turn the handle, but it was locked. This only infuriated him more. He started pounding on the door, calling Johnny.

No answer.

After trying for a few minutes to no avail, J went to the neighbor's house to get our spare key she held for us. J finally got into the house.

Upon entering, the house was silent besides the faint sound of music.

J immediately started towards the living room, furious and ready to rip Johnny a new one. But he wasn't there. The TV was paused on the DVR recording he was watching. There was a half eaten Nature Valley bar on the coffee table, and a Seagram's wine cooler, half drank. Upon further inspection, there were 2 or 3 empty bottles in the recycling bin that were new.

"JOHNNY! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" J screamed with rage.

J pounded up the stairs to Johnny's bedroom, hearing the music. J swung his door open so hard it could've snapped off the hinges.

But he wasn't in his room.

J and C heard the faint music still playing from somewhere upstairs.

J turned and started down the short walkway to his and my Mom's bedroom.

And J gasped. He stumbled back, and started making noises somewhere between screaming and gasping.

He ran back downstairs and picked up the phone. He dialed 911.

C asked J what happened, what the fuck was going on. But J wasn't getting any words out.

C went upstairs and saw what J had seen.

J's case for his pistol was out on J's side of the bed. It was open, and the gun was missing from it.

On the ground was Johnny, with the gun on the floor next to him in a pool of blood. His phone was in his pocket, blaring some rap song. There was a hole in the wall right next to the doors to their balcony.

C walked over to Johnny, immediately checking for any signs of life. He checked for his pulse, but Johnny was gone. He pulled Johnny's phone out of his pocket and turned off the music.

C went back down to J who was on the phone with 911 but too stunned to speak. He told them what the situation was, and that he had checked for a pulse but it was too late.

Johnny had killed himself.

He was gone.

The Cataclysm

Recent Posts

Comments